I never thought I would be a kinky, energetic sex type…

May 23

I never thought I would be a kinky, energetic sex type…

It never occurred to me that I could have two polarizing sexual desires, to merge with the divine in the fullness of my spiritual power and to meet the dark taboo fantasies of human nature at the same time.

*scorpio moon in the 9th house* mhmm it all is starting to make sense.

In 2020, I spent $4,000 a feminine embodiment training because I wanted to learn how to orgasm. I was sensitive sexually and it felt like my partner didn’t respect the spiritual aspect of my energy field, my body, or the my feminine divinity. Per invitation, I stopped watching porn, I gave up the vibrators, I found spiritual orgasms, I pussy gazed, I unpacked the mother wound, I experimented with women and I shunned bdsm kink culture as a form of lustful retraumatization that I would have no part in.

Y’all I was so wrong…

Not about the porn or dominance sex culture where women are dehumanized, manipulated, and forced into submission. But about how I condemned sexual expression in favor of the ‘Spiritually Contained Pure Sexual lifestyle’ that involved no toys, eye gazing, no fantasy, breath-syncing sex to meet god and then silently judged others who chose differently as not as ‘conscious’.

Oof

….I am so sorry I have been so dogmatic.

I realized the entire time all I had wanted was to open myself to a fully expressive sexual wild woman self, but I had trapped myself in the other side of the dichtomy — a purity cocktail mixed with control and shame for sexual fantasies that involved getting tied up.

Bondage could never be allowed in my bedroom as long as I claimed to be a liberated godly woman….

Since that feminine embodiment training in 2020, post divorce — I manifested many partners who had sexual dysfunction. My sex drive is high and I would get sexually frustrated with their lack of ability to have sex, break up with them, and then manifest another. I was a victim of it for a long time complaining that it was the frequency of Asheville men, a polairty issue ! ewhh….

Unconsciously, this pattern of dating men who vibrated in spiritual righteousness was how my shadowed kinky sex blueprint was manifesting. I believed that to be a true spiritually embodied woman I had to control and shame any part of me who had fantasy, kink, or eroticism. I sampled men who vibrated in Atheism, Catholicism, Shamanism, Buddism, Mormonism, Baptism and they mirrored back to my own sexual dogmatic dysfunction — desperately trying to reach out to God(ess) in shame of who I am.

This Sag full moon exposed my religious shadow and brought part of my sexual energy home from exile. When I realized I am a kinky woman by reading the book Erotic Blueprint, so much shame dropped from my energy field into the Earth. It felt like 10 feet of snow melting of my roof. I felt turned the fuck on ready to reclaim my kink signature. No wonder I kept manifesting weird power dynamics, sexual erotics ‘I can’t have you but I want you’ experiences…..I wasn’t owning the part of self that is wild, sexually, and kinky.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE PURE AND CLEAN TO ACCESS GOD. THE GODDESS IS SEX.

Mary Magdalene, Isis, Bridgit, Hekate, Inanna, Ishtar, Aphrodite and Venus. — all Sex magik practitioners.

Coming home to myself meant accepting that I’ve met God(ess) deeper when I’ve surrendered to erotic kink than I have from sexual avoidance steeped in shame.

You are not dirty, shameful, or less powerful for owning your erotic kink, your sexual power, your desire for sex, your sexual curiosity, and receiving pleasure in a way that feels good for your body.

What if female embodiment is erotic, kinky, and likes to play in the dark?